the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
