thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
