I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And then my night got REAL pukey
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize