I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
