you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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