how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
