i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
