I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
