God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
