remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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