On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
