I met the friendliest cop last night
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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