I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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