A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
