Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
