You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize