I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
