you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
