I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
