It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I need to sanitize my soul.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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