that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
