just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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