im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
