dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
