I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
