you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
