So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
