I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
