There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize