My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
