I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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