What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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