She's JV to your varsity
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
