I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
