The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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