I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
