from now on my penis is your penis
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
