With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
