You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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