Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Bring me that man meat
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
