At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
