Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
