just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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