I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Success! We fucked roommates!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
