I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
