No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
