Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
