you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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