i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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