I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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