When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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