He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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