Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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