Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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