If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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