So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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