I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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