Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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