she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
